DFW Purplestride 2014

I have the team packet with all the event t-shirts and 5K race bibs, and as soon as I have time to sort through it all I will have it on my front porch as we've done in the past.  You can swing by any time after tonight, grab your shirt and/or bib, and mark your name off the list.  I'll bring it all down to the park early Saturday for anyone that can't get by my house.

Address is 11483 Pagewynne Dr., Frisco, TX 75035.  My cell is 214-587-7988.

Here are details for the event:

• This Saturday, November 8th, at Klyde Warren Park in Dallas.
• If you have not registered, you can sign up that day at 8:00 AM.
• Opening Ceremonies start at 9:00 AM
• Run/Walk begins at 9:30 AM
• Closing Ceremony will follow (probably around 11)

The event website is Purplestride DFW Event Info, and there you will find a map with directions to Klyde Warren, a map of the race/walk routes, and parking information.

We like to sport our own laundry at this event, so we encourage you to don your Team Kelly t-shirt, whether it's an old school "Got Hope?" shirt or v2.0.  Unfortunately there's no good way to get one of these into everyone's hands before the event, so if you don't have one, or like mine it is a little threadbare, then wear the event T that comes with your registration.  

Thanks again for everyone that donated or is volunteering!  I've explained in previous blog posts (Supporting PanCAN) why PanCAN is so important to me and my family, and these events, held nationwide, are what keep this organization moving forward.

It's not too late to participate or volunteer - you can register between 8 and 9 AM Saturday.

See ya Saturday bright and early!  

Some Hither, Others Yon…

For many of you, especially the men around my age in north Texas, the first thing you think of when I mention “scattershooting” is Junior Miller’s Friday morning 7:45 segment on the Ticket.  But if you grew up in the Dallas area, the reference might, as it does for me, evoke memories of the Morning News Sunday Sports Day page 2 articles written each week by the great Blackie Sherrod, to whom Junior obviously pays homage every Friday.  I was a regular reader of Blackie’s, and still like to dig up old articles by him from time to time.  Compelled to write about many things but about none at length, I can scarcely think of a better format to adopt than Blackie’s.

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Jeff Kent (MHS class mate and good friend, not former Dodgers/Mets great)….  Speaking of high school, I find it interesting that the two most recent BU QB’s, statistically maybe the school’s best ever, have been from South Garland HS (Kel’s alma mater) and Midlothian HS (mine), respectively.  Not sure about Nick Florence in the pantheon of Colonel football, but no doubt that Bryce Petty has already surpassed all but the great Don Floyd, namesake of my old gridiron, as all-time Panthers….  And speaking of SGHS, another Colonel has fallen victim to pancreatic cancer.  Jimmy Schnurr passed away last month after a prolonged battle.  I never met Jimmy but I know that Kelly and he (and I by extension) share many common friends, and judging by what I’ve heard and read from those friends, Jimmy must have been an incredible guy!  I did have the pleasure of meeting his sister during a fundraising event for PanCAN, and in 2013 they were the only team that beat us in fundraising.  Jimmy passed away on September 18, Kelly’s birthday…. 

On September 18, I was kicking off the second annual “Stewapalooza,” thanks to my gracious mother-in-law and father-in-law, who allowed us to utilize the “Lodge,” and also to Kris Gewin and Matt Jackson (and all those they recruited), who worked their tails off making the weekend a smashing success.  I did not name this event, by the way, lest anyone should think me narcissistic.  It’s amazing the way that Kelly brought and kept so many of us together through the years, and it was great celebrating those friendships at one of her favorite places on earth.  We raised a fair sum of money for TKF as well.  And, Jim and Paula will be happy to know that we did not blow anything up this year….  Speaking of raising money and Team Kelly, we are less than a month away from this year’s DFW Purplestride (Nov. 8).  We have raised a lot of money but are nowhere near our goal of $30K this year.  TKF has pledged to match ever dollar donated from now til November 8.  Please join Team Kelly (DFW Purplestride 2014 - Team Kelly Homepage), or join Team “It’s All Good (DFW Purplestride 2014 - It's All Good Homepage),” Jimmy Schnurr’s team, or just give to PanCAN because it’s such a great organization and this cancer is becoming all too keen and common a killer…. 

During our “summer break,” which has now just ended but was prolonged by construction delays, my Preston Trails Community Church men’s small group continued to meet regularly for breakfast every Friday morning.  This is not your usual church men’s group – as I explained to one of our senior pastors once, most of these guys have seen each other at our best and our worst (sometimes at the same time, reference Stewapalooza above), so there’s no use in hiding anything from each other.  During the last few weeks, though, we decided to share our life stories with one another, over the breakfast table at Egg and I, and using as a (rough) outline the five H’s:  heritage, heroes, high points, hard times, and hand of God.  It should not come as a surprise that among my heroes was my father.  I won’t waste the ink in falling incredibly short of explaining why, but will simply say that in recent months it’s dawned on me how closely watched I am by certain younger males in my house, and how they seem to prioritize their lives according to what they believe is important to me.  I remember distinctly how I knew at an early age that I wanted to be a great dad and husband when I grew up…. Notably absent the morning I told my story were a few of my other heroes.  Greg Bobo (as well as Elizabeth) – I’ve probably told you before but Kelly and I always loved how much you were both “into” one another.  It’s hard to put a finger on the marital quality we admired in you – but if I were going to point a young married couple towards an example to live by, I’d send them your way.  And the aforementioned Kris and Matt, who in addition to making sure I get to be the centerpiece of the biggest party of the year, remain the two names atop my “Mexican jail” list (if you’ve read my other posts over the last couple of years, you’ll know what this is, otherwise happy reading).  You’re both my heroes and I hope to be like y’all when I grow up.  Especially Matt cuz he’s got more cool stuff than Kris.  But you too, Kris….

Among our small group autobiographers was Glenn Krupa, who had us all rolling with stories about old Frisco.  The kind of stories where all the characters are the namesakes of the major thoroughfares, schools and parks in town.  Don’t worry, Glenn (and Vonda), what is told at breakfast stays at breakfast.  Let’s just say the Frisco ISD has never been as exciting since you left it….  In 1994, Kelly, at the urging of her BU roommate Angela Cunningham, joined the Frisco ISD as a full-time substitute, and within that year had secured her first full-time teaching gig at Rogers Elementary.  For those unfamiliar with the school growth in Frisco ISD, that was the only elementary school in Frisco then.  Within the first few years, she’d moved with Angela, principal Debbie Boyce and a few of the other young teachers, to open Curtsinger.  For all you FISD families, the genetic imprint from that group – Debbie, the Rogers teachers that remained behind, and the group that ventured out with Debbie to “colonize” that first new elementary school in the district - is still evident on every school in this town, including all 37 elementary schools….  Among that group of young teachers at Curtsinger that grew so close to one another was Jennifer Foster, who now serves as DFW Purplestride Volunteer Chair, and whose entire family has volunteered at the event and represented Team Kelly for the last couple of years.  Jennifer would love to hear from any and all Team Kelly and Team It’s All Good members about volunteering ( PurpleStride Volunteer 2014).  Send your high schooler if they’re in need of some community service hours…. 

Friend and neighbor Stacey White, who first introduced us to the Purplestride event, has once again put together the Jim Pressel Memorial Golf Tournament, which will be hosted at the Trails Golf Club on November 1 (Facebook - Jim Pressel Memorial Golf Tournament), and which honors Stacey’s father, a victim of pancreatic cancer.  Proceeds from last year’s event were donated to PanCAN on behalf of Team Kelly, and it was this surge in funds that put us in 2^nd place for the 2013 Purplestride fundraising.  If I could get to my clubs in my garage, and if I could swing them without hurting myself or those around me, I’d have a team in this tournament.  But my presence would only disgrace the game of golf, and I wouldn’t be right for a month.  But I encourage any of you who enjoy playing to enter this year’s tournament.  It’s truly for a great cause.  In fact, I’d love to see a Team Kelly foursome…. 

Parenting is hard.  It always was, but I miss Kelly’s instinctiveness as a mother now more than ever.  Plus there’s no one there to help me work the “good cop-bad cop” routine.  You’d be surprised how often Kel was the bad cop….  Our neighbor Jones says he can do everything he used to, just not until tomorrow (OK, that was actually an old Blackie joke that I stole)….

Back to Frisco ISD for a moment – would your 5^th grade teacher have picked you up 30 minutes early for school on picture day so she could curl your hair, because she knew your dad would already be at work and, although he might try if asked, probably wouldn’t be able to find a curling iron anyway?  I know a 5^th grade teacher that did just that.  Thanks Trisha Carroll!  That was very much like another elementary school teacher I once knew.  Oh, and I know a future elementary school teacher that wants to be just like both of you…. 

From the “I Wish I’d Written That Department,” George Eliot makes this observation concerning Dorothea Brooke: 

“Dorothea had little vanity, but she had the ardent woman’s need to rule beneficently by making the joy of another soul.”

Few things I’ve ever read come so close to revealing Kelly’s nature so exquisitely and perfectly as Eliot’s description of her Middlemarch heroine.  In her finale to this perfect novel, Eliot says of the heroine,

“…the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived a faithfully hidden life….”

-Jason

        

what's it like in heaven?

hi there team kelly :)

It has been quite some time since i've posted here.  It's kind of a sacred little place on the internet that I've been missing...but also unsure how to revisit.  My heart aches every day without being able to talk with kel...I often imagine conversations we would normally be having and the countless questions I would ask her if she could only answer.  

Today, a very dear friend sent this video to me, and i felt compelled to share it here.  The lyrics to this sweet song are so raw and so beautiful, and very truthful to the thoughts that bounce around in my head daily.  I hope this finds you well and please know how much we love and appreciate all of you and your kind, loving hearts...so full God's love and grace.   

So many of you have continued to keep TK thriving, and we appreciate what you are doing to bring awareness to Pancreatic Cancer while honoring how brave Kelly was in her fight.  If you don't have a new Team Kelly shirt, you haven't missed your chance!  Comment here and we will fix you up!  If you have already purchased a shirt, but not yet received it, it is ready for pick up at Crave Popcorn Co. in Plano.  God Bless you all and GO TEAM KELLY :)

Mother's Day is ...

Many of you have heard the story.  Years ago, while helping some friends coach our sons in baseball, I made an unfortunate and very distasteful comment regarding Mother's Day.  "Mother's Day is...."  Well, I'll let you use your imagination.  The email, intended only to be read by the other coaches, instead, through some IT magic, made its way to every parent on the team.  Not only had Kelly gotten news of the comment within hours, but it was not long before word made its way to my own mom.  The parents of the team, in every case, have turned out to be good friends over time.  And like any good friend should, one of them, and usually multiple ones, remind me of my comment each year on this day.

Kelly's diagnosis came on Febdruary 13, and after that she coined a similar phrase: "Valentine's Day is ...!"

A good friend at work, years ago, told his wife and mother of two, after she made a point of displaying her exasperation over his willingness to nap on Mother's Day, "Every day is Mother's day for you!"  And, again, like good friends should, we have kept his comment alive through the years and made it a part of the "Mother's Day tradition" at Venture Mechanical.

The fact is Mother's Day is an uncomfortable holiday, at a time of year whenever weekends are busiest, and it creates a strange dynamic - because your wife isn't your mother, but your kids are too young and too poor to actually do anything for her themselves.  And of course, there's her mother, and maybe either or both of you have grandmothers.  Face it guys, this is not the type of situation in which most of us thrive.  I mean, there are the "curvebreakers," those overachieving, doting husbands that always seem to have the right plans or buy the right gifts.  But for most of us, it's like the Kingford Charcoal radio spot that's running again this year, where the dad is explaining to the kid that they are in for a 2-hour round trip for brunch, during which mommy won't get to eat because while she's outside with the whining kid, dad will eat her food because he's not gonna pay that much to see good food get cold.  The son, after hearing this, asks his father, "Is mommy being punished?"  "We all are," replies the father.  Let's face it - while every day isn't mother's day, it should be.  And yet that wouldn't be possible because mothers don't get days off, even on the actual holiday.

This is a strange Mother's Day for me - I'm still trying to figure out exactly what to say to and do for my own four children.  I know there are emotions and thoughts inside them that I don't see or hear, but I also know better than to try and drag it out of them.  I know they loved their mother dearly, but I am not sure they know exactly what an extraordinary mother Kelly was.  Today, Sam wrote this in his journal and shared with me:

When I was in 3rd grade, my mom began to get sick.  A couple of weeks later we found out she had pancreatic cancer.  We were all devastated, but she acted like it was all going to be fine, so we didn't worry about it too much, either.  Now, when I was in third grade, I thought I was so old, but I was only eight.  After she got cancer, I never really remembered her as just a regular old mom, it just felt like she had always been sick.  Maybe the main reason was because we got a lot more attention, and I guess I kind of liked that.  So, I don't remember much of what happened before she had cancer, but I do remember many things after.  My favorite memory of her, and probably everybody's, was that she didn't let the fact that she had cancer slow her down.  And even though my mom was the sick one, she was constantly helping other people.  She was always trying to be friends with everybody.  She had a place for everyone in her heart.  Everywhere we went, she probably felt terrible, but fought through it and did everything she could one hundred percent of the time.  At home, she did all she could to keep a family of six in order.  And she never let up.  Whenever she could help anyone on anything, she would give it her best.  All these memories are great, and I guess the best memories came from after she had cancer, and not before.

Sam is so right on so many points, but as I have feared for some time (and even suffered a bit of it myself), it's so hard to go back to those days before Kelly was diagnosed.  Yet, I know it would break her heart to think she is remembered only for her struggle with cancer.

So - Will, Ben, Sam and Ella - what kind of mother was she?  Well first off, she was a gorgeous one.  I'm still struck, as I go through photo albums and family portraits, by the way she seemed to get more and more beautiful after the birth of each child.  From the fall of '98 until the summer of '04 she was either pregnant or had just barely weened a child.  This photo, taken in 2006, shows a woman just nearing the height of her beauty:

I know you probably never thought about it when she was with us, and it probably never occurs to you now, but I want you to know how remarkably beautiful she was.  Even in sickness she refused to be anything but gorgeous.

She was incredibly instinctive.  She was like the athlete that could never coach someone else to do what she did.  Perhaps she never knew it - like most young parents we were always measuring ourselves up to those around us, constantly worrying about our inadequacies.  She would run into old friends and listen to stories of the accomplishments of their brilliant children, and how they were appalled whenever they found out their sitter had fed their child Cheetos, only to shake her head later admitting to me that she was pretty sure that's all our kids had eaten for lunch that day as she was dragging y'all around town to God-knows-where to do God-knows-what.  But over time, she gained a peace and confidence as a mom that was unmatched by anyone I've known.  I tell friends, when they worry over how they're doing as parents, that it's always easier to see what a good job someone else is doing - but you never can be sure with your own parenting.  Looking back, though, I see clearly how well she settled into the role.  And I know everyone else saw it too.

She was rough around the edges at times.  She went out of her way to be - sometimes for the boys' sakes - but I think also for Ella's sake, to remind you that life isn't just about Barbies and American Girl dolls, but is also about gunpowder, honky-tonks, 4-wheelers, and fishing.  God could she fish!  From the time that Will came along until well after Ella was with us, we made 20 or more six-hour round trips to the farm in Hazeldell each year, helping Nana and Pops with the next building project, or just being there in the fall while we hunted.  And then there was Grand Saline with Grand and Papaw and the Norrises and Davises, and where sometimes we hosted 30 or more friends and threw huge parties, and she would drink beer and fish and drive through the woods and take beautiful pictures of everyone and everything.  We rarely thought to turn the camera on her.  And one of her favorite places on earth was Greune Hall, and she drug all of you through there at one point or another - during concerts or just during the day while loafing around the old downtown.  A couple of you danced on the stage to the jukebox - in diapers! - while we had a lunchtime beer at the bar.

Looking back, it's so hard to get my arms around who and what she was.  God blessed her with a virtually limitless amount of love and friendship, and an equally vast supply of energy to go along with it.  She couldn't be bottled up and classified - there is just no simple description for her.  She was - like her hair when I first came to know her - crazy and bigger than life.  Sam - all those things you remember about her after she got sick - the energy, the love, the friendship, the strength and courage to face life head-on - that was just her, before sickness and after, always and forever.  And now she's our mockingbird on a moonlit summer night, singing beautiful songs to us, our sweet memories of her.

Grand - I know how hard this day must be for you.  Please know how thankful my kids and I are for all you do for us!  There aren't words to express my gratitude for the gifts you've given me - Kelly, and our children together - and I pray each day for God to provide solace for you and Papaw.  And I hope always you see her love and energy in the faces of Will, Ben, Sam and Ella!  Happy Mother's Day!  I love you!

Nana - I could not have made it without you the past two years.  In fact, I'd have never made it up to that point without you!  There hasn't been a job too dirty or difficult.  I learned everything I know about being a parent from you, Pops, and Kelly.  My kids have known a warm, loving home these past 11 months, and they'll look back years from now and remember this as an extraordinary time, and you as an extraordinary grandmother.  So much of what they will remember and love about their mom, they've seen in you this past school year.  And as for me, well you've always been my best friend - my late night confidant, my biggest fan and supporter.  I should be twice the man that I am, but I wouldn't be half the man I am without you!  Like Kel, your love, friendship and energy knows no limits.  Happy Mother's Day!  I love you!

And now, for the "mother" of all lists:

Carol, Kim, Sheila, Elizabeth, Sandra, Lauren, Camey, Julie, Angela, Trisha, Robyn, Kristi, Leslie, Chris, Anissa, Katy, Berkeley, Tammie, Krista, Carrie, Debbie, Angie, Maile, Amy, Tricia, Dosie, Sherry, Whitney, Michelle, Julie, and so many more - you've been more than just "moms" to my children - you are like angels on their shoulders.  You've made sure none of them wanted for anything, even when it meant just being their fans in the bleachers when I couldn't make it.  I take none of it for granted - we couldn't have gotten through these past two years without your help.  You have treated my kids like they are your own, so from all the Stewarts - Happy Mother's Day!  We love you!

The Shirt V2.0

Well, it's finally here - the new Team Kelly Shirt.  We've made a few changes, and placed our first stock order, so they will be available in about 2 weeks.  We are offering a few more options this time, including a regular style T available in white only; a women's cut, available in white or purple; performance fabric (dri-fit) in either style; and 100% cotton, available in either style.

Proceeds will benefit Team Kelly Foundation, which in turn will benefit cancer patients and their families, through, among other things, our support of groups like the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network and Camp John Marc (Camp Esperanza and Camp Sanguinity).

As of now, our website is still under construction, and until we have e-commerce set up there, we will be taking orders via the link below.  Once your order is taken we will provide an invoice and payment instructions via email. Once payment arrangements have been made, we'll make your shirts available for pick-up at Crave Popcorn in Lakeside Market, 4021 Preston Road Suite 619, Plano, TX 75093.

Click on the link below, enter your contact information, and just fill out and submit the order form.  Just pay attention to the style, base color, fabric and sizes, because we are offering a lot more options this time!

Regular style T's in both cotton and performance fabric will be available in white only, ranging from youth sizes to adult XXL.  Women's cut will be available in both purple and white, and either cotton or performance fabric.

All cotton T's go for $10 apiece, and performance fabric for $15.  Order now and get in on this first shipment, which we should get around 4/15.  We'll be ordering in lots of 500 at a time, and quantities in each color/style/size/fabric are limited.  It will take about a week to refill the stock each time, so it might be 2-3 weeks depending on whether we have what you need.

Here's the link to the order form: Team Kelly Shirt Order Form.

Thanks for your support!

New Reasons to Remember

In February 2013, I posted on the anniversary date of Kelly’s diagnosis: "One Year Ago Today".  Anytime someone asks about Kelly and her story, I like to point him in the direction of this post.  It’s a good starting point for both its retrospective view of the first 12 months of her struggle, and for an understanding of the phenomenon of Team Kelly.  It’s also a testament to just how brave and tough she was.

I cherish every memory of Kelly, the best and the worst, and there hasn't been one second since June 1 when I wouldn't have been willing to relive even the very toughest moment all over again just for the chance to hear her voice and touch her again.  But I won’t keep reliving February 13, 2012 for the rest of my life.  I want to bury it with this thought – recently up until that moment, Kelly and I searched our hearts often for a new direction in our lives.  We were blessed beyond measure with four healthy children, incredible friendships, loving family close by, a new church family, and a great job with a great company. We had, up to that moment, lived an almost charmed life.   It wasn't dissatisfaction so much as restlessness and perhaps even a little guilt.  Irony is indeed the key ingredient to a great story.

What I’d rather do than focus on this turning point in our lives, is celebrate a different one, and try as best I can to give new meaning to February, for myself and those closest to me.  I went back and checked the dates, and I was quite startled to realize just how quickly things happened in those first few days following the results of that first CT Scan.  On Wednesday night, February 15, 2012, Gayla Cruikshank literally created this blog with the first post: "We Gather Together".  That post chronicled a significant event – a prayer gathering at my house where more than 50 of our closest friends and family members came to support us and ask for God’s blessings on Kelly, me and our kids.  So I think it’s fair to say that Team Kelly was in fact born on February 15, 2012.  Over the following few days, things happened rapidly, and I think it’s worth looking back over those first few blog posts to appreciate how far this blog and TK have come.  I posted for the first time, by proxy, on February 19: "Some Thoughts" that sum up my frame of mind at the time.  But even then, I still had no way of appreciating how powerful that Kellybridge and Team Kelly would be in our lives, and in the lives of many around us.

The newly incorporated Team Kelly Foundation recently was able to grant $10,000 to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, strengthening the bond between TK and PanCAN that was formed in November of 2012 with our team’s strong turnout and fundraising at the annual DFW Purplestride.  Additionally, we provided camp scholarships to two full cabins of kids, one for Camp Sanguinity and one for Camp Esperanza, for this upcoming summer at Camp John Marc.  Camp Sanguinity and Camp Esperanza are week-long summer camp sessions at CJM for kids with cancer.  I’d encourage you to learn more about one of mine and Kelly’s favorite charities (www.campjohnmarc.org).  So already you can see the profound impact of Kelly’s journey and its story chronicled through this blog.  We look forward to many more years of service to men, women, and children suffering from cancer and the effects of its treatment, and we look forward to a day whenever we all remember cancer as a disease without cure.  In the meantime, we want to help cancer patients and their family members “Fight Like Kel!” 

So next February, we’ll celebrate this time of year as a time of promise and change.  We’ll celebrate the birth of Team Kelly.  We’ll celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in Carol’s and Blake’s lives as they launched their new business, ringing up their first sale, on February 13, 2014 (I think I was their first official customer).  I encourage you to stop by Crave Popcorn in Plano to get your bag of “Team Kelly” flavored popcorn, and support TKF!  Once you walk in, you’ll be hooked – I promise!

We’re so thankful to God for new reasons to mark these dates on our calendars, and for great new memories to come!

Story - Part II

A few weeks ago I posted here (Story), soliciting stories from Kelly's friends and family, and since then I've been blessed with stories from several of her friends, old and new.  It's such a joy to hear new tales and learn new things about her, and I especially love the stories from our Baylor days when I was first getting to know her.

Over the last couple of years, so much of our energy and focus was consumed by care and worry that it's difficult to hurdle over those times, to the years before when we first fell in love, got married and started our family together.  I know for the kids it's even worse.  The really big memories for them - the vacations and birthdays and personal achievements that stand out in their memories - are all from the last two years, as if there wasn't a time before their mom was diagnosed.  For me, the fog slowly lifts day by day, though, as I know it will for them eventually.

I am obsessed with story - those close to me know that.  I can't live without it.  And it's maddening whenever you can't piece together your own, most important story.  So I spend quite a bit of time jotting down the fragments as they some back to me - as I look back through boxes of old photos and read old letters (remember those) we wrote to one another - and I laugh and cry and most importantly remember.

What I remember best, oddly enough, are the earliest times - my pursuit (in vain) of Kelly while she was still at Baylor with me (it took me a little longer to finish up), our brief courtship, and the first few years of marriage.  I remember driving to Plano in the summer of '94 to see her at night after I got out of my evening summer school course at Richland, still stinking from the day's work covered in concrete or asphalt or mud, unable - unwilling - to leave, well into the early morning hours, knowing I had to drive back to Ovilla and get up at 5:30 to do it all again, knowing that the minute I woke I'd already be thinking about heading up there again.  Sometimes she'd cut me some slack and actually meet me in Richardson at the campus after my classes.  She'd take me to dinner because she knew I was broke.  Once we made out like teenagers in the Richland parking lot until we noticed a campus cop rolling by slowly - probably the highlight of his night!

I remember on December 23, 1994 when I asked her to marry me at a spot on Lake Grapevine - a spot where we'd visited the summer before in Carol's convertible with a six pack of beer and looked at the stars and talked (in case you were wondering, you're not supposed to drink beer in a Corps of Engineers park, as we were informed on that summer night by a ranger - what was it with us and security!).  She said yes that day in December when we went back.  I remember when it dawned on me, as I'm sure it does on many a newlywed, that I barely knew her - you know the way you need to know someone to share a small apartment with them.  I remember coming home from work and seeing the trail of shoes and clothes and purse and keys just thrown down, starting right at the threshold of the front door and leading into the bedroom, while she was already in her sweats, munching on chips in the kitchen - I wanted to scream!

I remember the time, in the same small apartment, that she put a bag of popcorn - dinner for her in those days - in the microwace, but instead of 3 minutes she set it on 30 minutes - then forgot all about it.  I came home to a smoke-filled apartment, alarms blaring, and the awful smell of incinerated popcorn.  When I retrieved the bag from the microwave it was completely empty but for the thin black layer of something in the bottom, burned beyond recognition.  It took weeks to get the smell out of the apartment, and several trips to the drycleaners to get it out of our clothes.  We never got the smoke stains off of the microwave and vent hood.

What I remember most is that she could never get close enough to me.  While she would, years later, acquire a voracious appetite for books, in those first few years she was not a reader.  I, on the other hand, would spend every evening trying to read.  I say trying because she would have none of it.  She would start asking me questions or telling me stories, and after a while when she noticed I wasn't paying any attention to her, she'd place her head directly between my face and the page, with a big smile on her face.  She couldn't get enough of me and I have no idea why.  Ironically, after we had kids, she fell in love with reading.  She'd start a new book and for all she knew the kids could have been kidnapped and the house burned down - she didn't care until she finished the story.      

For our first anniversary, we drove 7 ½ hours to Corpus Christi to stay on North Padre Island at the Gulfstream Condominiums.  Not in a condo we had rented, but in a condo where the current president of my company (where I had only worked for 18 months) and his wife and two kids were staying.  We slept on what amounted to a fold-out sofa that had a curtain partition to make it a “bedroom.”  We stayed two nights, then drove to San Antonio, where we stayed a night – not in a nice hotel I paid for, but at Duncan Clowe’s parents’ house with Dunc and Amber, while his parents were out of town.  We had dinner and then went to see the Nutty Professor and laughed like 10-year old boys at the dinner-table fart scene – “Hercules! Hercules!”

We climbed Enchanted Rock when it was 99 F outside (which she griped about ever after), visited Pedernales State Park, floated the Guadalupe in Gruene with a third tube for our cooler.  We were both drunk at the end of the 4 hour float, but she was bright enough to use sun-screen.  Not me, though.  Our romantic riverside cottage at the Gruene Mansion Inn turned out to be none too romantic whenever I couldn’t do anything but lie on my back with no covers as my buzz wore off.  We always talked about going back for a do-over.  We spent one night at a bed-and-breakfast in Fredricksburg and realized that they rolled up the sidewalks in that town after 9 PM on a weeknight, so all there was to do was see Independence Day at the old Palace walk-in theater.  The next day we went to Willie’s 4^th of July Picnic in Luckenbach, then, motored on back up to Plano in my ’94 Ford pickup (the raspberry and grey one) undoubtedly with the windows down and her sitting in the middle seat, snoozing like she always did the minute the car started. 

From then on, that trip was our compass needle, reminding us that it’s ok to piddle, to waste time, to wander aimlessly as long as we were together.  We always said that’s what we were best at.  

In another week, it will have been 2 years since her diagnosis.  I don't think I'll commemorate it this year.  Of all the posts I've gone back and re-read, few have been as difficult for me as the one from February 13, 2013 - One Year Ago Today.  That time was so full of promise still.  No, I don't want to think about diagnoses right now.  Like the rest of Kelly's family, my only concern for pancreatic cancer now is how to end it - for everyone!  Right now I want to remember Kelly the way she always wanted to be seen - beautiful, funny, sexy, alive! That's the Kelly I want my kids to remember, too, picture by picture and story by story.  

It might seem trite to cite the lyric from a song at this point, but remembering that first-anniversary road trip puts me in mind of the Shooter Jennings song, 4th of July.  If you know the song you'll understand why.  There's a line in the song, though, where he says, "She was out of the blue to a boy like me."  That was a fact - I never stopped feeling like I had won the lottery knowing that she wanted to be with me.

Please keep sending me your stories.  Email them, if you'd like, to kellystewartstories@gmail.com.