Tammy My Nurse!

That's the way her contact was entered on Kelly's phone - exclamation point and all - and now in mine as well.  Not sure why Kelly did things like that, but in this case it fits - "Tammy My Nurse!"  It took me months to figure out what her last name was.  Many of you have met Tammy, and most of the rest have heard about her by now.  Early during treatment she took care of Kelly and quickly became one of her most trusted friends.  At first, on the surface at least, it seemed an odd pairing, but that was very much a Kelly thing too.

We scheduled treatment to make sure Tammy was working and available to care for Kelly.  Tammy would see her on the schedule and save the big corner spot knowing that she would roll in with her entourage.  The 2-guest limit rule posted on the infusion lab door didn't apply to Kelly.  In fact, when it came to Kelly and Tammy, most of the rules didn't apply.  Kelly had that "Do you know who I am?" audacity and Tammy never questioned it - in fact she embraced and encouraged it.

Tammy's calm, usually joking demeanor belies the almost manic ferocity with which she approaches her job. And in case there is any confusion, Tammy's job is to take care of her patients - to shoot straight with them, make them comfortable, assuage fear, relieve pain.  

Early on, we figured out there is much more to Tammy My Nurse! than meets the eye. She seemed to have achieved a level of expertise concerning every part of every patient's disease, their symptoms, their meds, the side effects of their meds, all of which suggested she had been practicing for 15 or 20 years.  Then we figured out she was only 3 or 4 years into a second (or 3rd or 4th or 5th) "career" as a nurse.  We visited her at her home last mother's day on our way to Midlothian and met her husband as well as her menagerie - too many dogs to count, a bird and a bald python (may he rest in peace).  Just when we thought we had figured Tammy out, we were sitting with Kelly in the infusion lab one day and watched as she answered the office phone and began rattling off fluent Spanish to someone on the other end.  I told her she was "the most interesting woman in the world," and she just stared at me blankly, having never seen the Dos Equis beer commercials I was referring to - I mean who has time to watch TV?

A few weeks ago, I accompanied our dear friends Kris and Kristi to the "Chemo Lounge" to see Tammy so they could drop off a gift card.  Many Team Kelly members had gotten together and chipped in to buy her a Visa card both out of need (family medical issues - keep her and her husband in your prayers, please) and appreciation for all she had done for Kelly.  That was on a Friday, and the following Sunday we got this text from Tammy - 

"Hi all.  have I told you how much I love you?  I was most overwhelmed when we met last.  I wanted to express my amazement and gratitude for your generosity of spirit.  I felt somewhat undeserving however, and thus I hope you won't be upset that I used the money altruistically.  A patient who needed a wheelchair but couldn't afford it now has one and I also helped a patient who needed the Sancuso patch (the patch is not covered by medicare).  Please know that as I get to know all of you better and better I become more inspired and have more to strive for. I love all of you and thank you for taking me into the fold of your beautiful and bright family.  I am truly blessed."

She did go on to say that she bought herself and Albert dinner.  She also went on to say that this is what Team Kelly is all about.  So true - and I want everyone reading this to know that we are in the process of establishing the vision and mission for what I intend to be a permanent memorial foundation so that we can capitalize on this type of love and selflessness so many of you share.  There are a lot of you out there who have been in the trenches so long for Kelly's sake and for my family's sake, and we don't want to lose any of that momentum.  We have raised close to $15,000 just through contributions to the memorial fund, and that will be seed money for this mission!  There is much to be done - cancer has not been idle the last several weeks and we can't afford to be either!

We ask for your continued prayers for all of Kelly's family and friends.  We ask that you pray for those of us contemplating the vision and mission for Team Kelly going forward that we might be able to bless the lives of countless others out there in need of comfort and care.  Also, please remember Kelly's (and our) dear friend Katy and her family as they continue on a frightening journey through cancer and chemo.  For now especially I pray that they find comfort and care in the form of their very own Tammy My Nurse!

the new normal...

hi Team Kelly...

I've missed my job of informing you on how she is doing.  I've missed my most important job...taking care of Kelly.  We all miss her like crazy.  The amputation as Jason put it is a very real and accurate description.  I remember when she was first diagnosed, I told Blake I felt like I was losing one of my lungs.  And it is true.  I have to catch my breath often during the day.  I almost call her several times every single day.  And that's just me.  Her sister.  Not Jason.  Not her kids.  Grieving is a process I've been told and frankly, it stinks.  I feel most sick when I think of how long it may be until I see her again.   But then I am reminded that I will see her again someday.  And I am comforted that she is not hurting anymore.  She is in our real home with our heavenly Father.  Jesus has His arms wrapped tightly around the neck of my sweet sister.  That calms me down a little...makes me feel better.

Fortunately, Tatum, the oldest of the cousins, was available to look after the kids this summer.  What an incredible blessing and gift from above.  Kelly is without a doubt smiling and so thrilled to have Tatum watch her kiddos each day.  Here is a little glimpse at what our kids have been up to this first summer...

the summer bucket list...

Sam joined the Davis crew for a trip to Galveston...

cole and sammers catchin' hermit crabs :)

ben and billy on the beach in Destin, Florida

1

 caught a fish!  way to go ben!!

best buds...billy, preston and ben 

ella joined the Cesare family on their Colorado trip :)

sno-cones!! ella and meg :)

hawaiian falls...

 playin' fetch with bailey

ben and tatum

jump street!

rainy day fort!

meet sage...ella's new american girl doll

and sam says...peace out

Thank you Team Kelly for keeping all of us in your prayers.  We love and appreciate each one of you!

Some prayer requests for now:

- for peace and understanding

- for us all to figure out the new normal

- for the Team Kelly foundation...it's development and direction

- for a very dear friend who started chemo this week...katy.

- thank Him for TK prayer warriors carrying us through each day

- for jason, will, ben, sam, ella...always

A Week of Firsts

This is my first time to post on the blog - at least directly without having to send a message to Carol or Gayla and ask them to post it.

I fear appearing narcissistic, but several close friends have encouraged me to post, if for no other reason than to let everyone know how I'm doing.  I have seldom taken the stage on this blog, and would prefer to keep it that way.  But I'll admit this is cathartic for me and I enjoy sharing when it comes to my favorite subject - Kelly.

The past week was a week of firsts for me.  July 1 is the date of our wedding anniversary - it would have been 18 years!  July 3 was Will's 15th birthday.  So I've made it past two important milestones without Kelly.  During that time, all of my kids were gone - 2 at camp, the other two interloping on other family vacations.  Probably the first time since we started our family that I spent any significant time in an otherwise empty house.  Last night was the first time in 18 years that I watched fireworks without Kelly.  I was always the Ebenezer Scrooge of fireworks shows (seen one you've seen em all) but I wasn't about to miss taking Will and Ben to see the show (thanks by the way to the Jay and Shelley for letting us crash your party!).

There are a lot more firsts to come, and I'm sure it will get easier.  But for now it's very difficult.  It just feels like a part of you has been amputated.  The impulse to ask "what did you think about that?"  To take a picture and text it, forgetting why she's not there to share it with you in the first place.  It's maddening.  Just being in public without her is bizarre.  Most of the time being out with her was like being with a celebrity, and on the very rare occasion that we ran into people I knew but she didn't, I took such great joy in sharing her with them.  I was always just so proud of her and proud she was with me!

This morning I made my first trip since her death to "ground zero" - the infusion lab at TX Oncology Medical City - affectionately referred to by Team Kelly as the "Chemo Lounge."  It was surreal pulling into a parking space and working up the nerve to go in.  I had an errand to run there, and a good friend to visit, so I decided to put some of the memorial fund money to good use and honor Kelly's memory.  On chemo days, she would often insist that I stop and get breakfast, usually bagels, and deliver them to the staff.  So I bought pastries from Stein's Bakery and about $70 worth of candy to fill up the candy jars for patients and their families.  It's still amazing the impact that Kelly had on all the staff members there!  They hugged me the way they used to hug her.  I guess this is the best way to share her now!

Things change, and I know it will just take a long time to get used to it.  I pray for God's grace, and I thank him every day for my children, in whom so much of her lives on.  The very essence of her being is there in the flesh and blood of Will, Ben, Sam and Ella.

To Kelly's friends - if you ever just popped in to visit, called, texted, emailed, whatever - know that you're welcome to do so even now.  It won't be the same - I get that.  I came home recently to a backyard full of sister-in-laws, nieces, friends and their kids all sitting around the pool and knew immediately it's what she would have wanted.  It felt right.  Different, but right.

Like our dear friend Julie wrote me recently, "I guess it will always be sad, and it will always be happy."  Hopefully over time more happy than sad.

Stay tuned as we work on Team Kelly going forward - Kelly was certain that her journey needed to make a difference in people's lives, and she did not want that to end with her death.  We are working on honing the mission and will reach out to everyone in the near future to fill you in.  Please continue to share this blog with anyone you think might be touched by it.

-Jason